So the other day, I started thinking about vampires and not in the vapid emo "OMG Edward/Damon/Louis is soo hot" type of way.
No, I got hooked on the bloody tears they always cry.
Now, most people are familiar with some of the basic vampire mythos. How they don't have to eat or go to the bathroom because, well, their the living dead and their organs no longer work. They simply consume their daily quota of blood and voila', supernatural hottie. Evidentally that blood absorbs through the body(if the stomach doesn't work, then they can't very well digest it)and sparks the brain and cental nervous system, enabling the vampire to walk, talk, and think. And apparently--if their tears are bloody, the blood must be throughout the body, if it enables secretion.
Speaking of secretion, did you notice most vampires don't sweat? I'm guessing the main reason for that is well, bloody sweat popping out all over the body would probably nix the whole "sexy" effect that vampires are supposed to have. That same theory applies to the oil glands.
And speaking of oil glands...most humans need them to keep their skin soft and supple. Without them we lose our youthful appearance. So how is it a vampire has no sweat/oil glands and is not only "Youthfull" but also ten times more delicious in the looks department? (Hubby's answer:That depends on the vampire. If it;s "life" is restored through magical means, then it doesn't matter.) Magic is appearantly the answer to most of life's mysteries.
Moving on. Next on my list: Saliva. Yet one more type of natural lubrication that keeps our tongues from sticking to the roofs of our mouths and keeps the esophogus nice and slippery. One would think that if blood tinges the tear ducts, it would also do the same to spit(and mucus for that matter--but I won't go there.)Wouldn't a vampires mouth be tainted red continuously under those circumstances, not just when he/she/it fed? If not, that vampire must suffer one hellacious bout of dry-mouth all the time.
Between the dry mouth and the fangs, you'd think they would have more trouble speaking but again, can't have a lisping and/or stuttering vampire--it just isn't very sexy.
And finally th most risque' and fun topic. Sex
I've figured out how the male vampire has sex. It's actually quite easy. The male genetalia becomes engorged with blood, thus making it hard. (We already mentioned that there isn't much except blood in a vampire) So this is entirely possible. I would be concerned about their health at that point seeing as how regular living men seem to loose the blood from their brains when wee-willy-winky is rareing to go, it's not impossible to see how it might occure in the vamp menfolk. Since the only functions that still seem to be working after being re-born are brain and nervous system, this could be a cause for alarm. Who knows, all I can say is: beware damsels.
The female vampire. That is a little more difficult. They have all the parts and have th bonus of not having to raise their special body parts "up"from the dead. Here is my problem...If they don't have spit/mucus/sweat/oil glands that lubricate--I'm guessing other areas don't have lubrication either. (I need not get more specific) And if their is any lubrication--it's tinged with blood which is not lubricating and quite sticky. I'm going to leave this hanging with...OW...friction.
There are other thought on the Anatomy and Physiology of Vampires but for now, I think I'll leave you all with these little brain teasers to mull around on your own.
Of course, hubby could be right--it's probably magic
Remember Occam's razor: The simplest answer is usually correct.
